As divorce attorneys we see faulty decision making of single parents causing problems for the children all of the time. The innocent child or children whom were the only people not at fault in the failure of the marriage are left to truly suffer because of the selfishness, vengeance, or even sometimes sheer ignorance of the parents. How many times do I hear complaints that a parent will not let a child call the other parent during a period of possession or refuses to send the child's favorite clothes or toys t0 the home of the other parent on an exchange of possession. These are simply two examples of a multitude of ridiculous parental behavior. One or both of these examples happen time and time again in almost all of my high conflict cases. The child is the one having to move from home to home every few days, yet he/she cannot have her "favorite things" to soothe the transition.This would require nothing more than common human decency from a parent to their child. Instead we have parents treating their own children in a manner that they would not treat an acquaintance or even a stranger? It is also amazing that when you try and speak with the guilty party in these situations all they want to do is argue with you and tell you why they are justified. Why is it so hard for divorcing spouses to put the children at the forefront?
This post came about as a result of an an interesting article I read today by Jeanne Sager on AOL. It is entitled " How to talk to your Kids about Divorce." It has some interesting points for single parenting and for people in a Divorce and Custody situation. It also lists some books that are age appropriate for discussing divorce with children. I have included the text of the Jeanne Sager's article below.
How to Talk to Your Kids About Divorce
Categories: Divorce & Custody, Single Parenting
Let kids know you will always love them, despite the divorce. Credit: dno1967, Flickr
So, how have so many children emerged from divorced homes to become happy, healthy members of society? Their parents put in the time and effort to make it happen.
"The children need to know that they will always come first," advises Dr. Carole Lieberman, a California psychiatrist who's a member of the clinical faculty at UCLA. "Both parents -- and all their children -- need to be there when they break the news of divorce. And the most important messages to communicate are that it is not the child's fault and that the parents will still always love them."
Before, during and after the message is broken, parents need to be aware of what they're saying in front of the kids. A study completed at Cornell University in 2009, found kids in "high-conflict married households" fare no better than kids in single parent households. The researchers linked exposure to parental fighting to poor academic achievement, increased substance abuse and "early family formation and dissolution." If you can't get along in front of the kids, try e-mail.
When you're talking to the kids, Dr. John Mayer, a clinical psychologist from Chicago and author of "Family Fit: Find Your Balance," says to avoid saying the marriage's lack of success is "because of the kids or kid's problems." Instead, opt for phrasing such as "this will make us better parents, a better mom, a better dad. This is my promise to you children," Mayer says.
Your emotional state might be fragile, but so is a child's. A 2001 study from Ohio State University found kids were experiencing problems up to a year before the divorce was finalized. Marriage counseling is now a standard part of the divorce process in many states, but signing kids up for their own counseling sessions is also wise.
Check with your health insurance provider for covered therapy sources or contact the social worker at your child's school to set up an appointment. Divorce Care 4 Kids offers support groups for children going through a divorce across the U.S., and your child's school might suggest an alternate near you.
Finally, answer your child's questions.
"Don't urge your child to just 'get over it'," Lieberman says. "Do not expect the children to just accept this; be patient with all of their follow-up questions, crying and temper tantrums." Where possible, be as concrete as possible.
More resources
Reading a book can help quell fears and open the lines of communication between you and your child. Try a few of these:
Ages 4-8: "Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families" by Marc Brown and Laurie Krasny Brown. A book that normalizes feelings for kids, this is an age-appropriate answer to many of their questions.
For ages 9-12: "Divorced but Still My Parents" by Shirley Thomas. Written by a psychologist, this brings the nebulous issues of divorce down to the very real and easy to understand emotions pre-teens are dealing with.
For ages 12 and up: "The Divorce Express" by Paula Danziger. A fictionalized account of a teen being shuffled back and forth between her divorced parents, this novel will speak to kids who don't want to be told how to feel by a workbook or counselor. Instead, they'll identify themselves in the main character, and hopefully open up doors of communication.
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